I saw his face again in that fuzzy-like, almost headache feeling daydream. He stood there in front of me and just stared. He didn't say anything. Though...I didn't want him to say anything. His presences was enough, it was comforting yet a little bit uneasy. The drunk kind of uneasy. I like that feeling. He makes me feel drunk. I. Suppose.

A soft guitar plays nearby. My hips start to sway to the music. Man, I fucking love this man. I do. I do. I so unbelievably do. He stares at me, and his lips stay pouty and kissable. But I do not kiss them. I don't want to. I just need him to want to kiss me.

He used to tease me about kissing him, yup. Right on the cheek. One time on the upper jawbone, then lower, then  closer, then millimeters until the softness of his lips almost touches my cracked ones. I need lip gloss. He likes strawberry. I pull away...

How come I can't touch him? He is fading more and more from my mind everyday, but. But, I think about him often because he's right there next to me. Untouchable, but yet he engulfs me. He smells of musk and sweetness. Like a little girl's bubble bath soap. He smells that soft. That is, if soft could have a smell, thats the smell he would have. I ramble. I'm sorry.

My hands shake as I walk away from him. I love this man, but I want him to leave me alone. He stands there but he doesn't notice me. I don't cry over him, nope, I break down and crash instead.

His skin is light, mine is dark. Kind of. Mocha dark, not chocolate. His is whiter than vanilla, porcelain white. Beautiful white. He once wrote a song about my skin against his, our fingers entangled together, our epidermis creating a new, even more beautiful color. I dream about that color.....

His lips are the same color as mine. That proves we are both human, and that we can be together. Right? People used to stare at us in the mall as we walked. Sometimes I slipped my hand out of his. I felt embarrassed...but why? He always grabbed my hand tighter and wouldn't let go. He promised he would never let go, but that promise was a false lie. Like...it was a lie, but yet he couldn't keep it. Promises...what are those? Yeah, don't answer that.

People don't stare so much anymore. But we no longer hold hands, so I don't know if anything changed. I sometimes wish people would stare, stare at me, stare at him. That would mean his hand would be in mine. sweet lover, his hand, in mine.

I'm sorry I couldn't kiss those pouty lips.

I guess...I'm not human.

I was told in a dream to write a letter. He received it but made no face. He just stared at the letter. The feelings that surrounded him were confusing, a shade of purple with a tinge of gray. A excited yet sad kind of gray.

Weeks pass.

I walked down the waterfront to walk to my usual spot but someone was sitting there. He sat with his head down and his hands scribbling furiously fast over the page. He wrote and wrote and wrote. Every now and then a beautiful word would spill from his lips. His bottom one pouty, his top one slim. Only he had those lips, those words, and that imagination.

I sat down next to him. He didn't tell me to move, but he didnt ask me to stay. I stayed anyway.

The breeze blew my hair into his face. He reached for it but the wind blew it the other direction before he could touch it. My heart skipped. My chest ached. I wanted him to touch me, even if it were just a strand of hair.

If you love someone hard enough, strong enough....will they ever return that love? If I close my eyes and squeeze until my head starts to whirl and my breath starts to catch, will he love me back?

I closed my eyes and wished. I wished he would talk to me.

He sat next to me, scribbling on his crinkled pages.

I sat next to him and kept my eyes closed until he returned my crazy, love filled, heart felt, daydreaming feelings.

I'm still sitting next to him.

I love this, and I love that. He sits at home and watches my twitter updates, reads my blogs and watches me from the stands. Maybe? He loves me. I think? He types things he knows I will read, he says things he knows I will feel. Why are we apart? We are always apart, we have been apart for a long time. He knows I watch him, he knows I know he watches me. Why can't you just front me and say Hello?

He lives a few hours away. So it seems. He doesn't live that far from me. But, it feels that way. We are dream lovers. We are nightmare lovers. But we are lovers. I have forgiven him. I think? He makes me angry and I cry. cry. cry. I wonder if he cries too? He is creative, his words flow through me like a magick snap with the fingertips. Do my words tickle his insides?

My heart feels half empty. Not the glass half full-half empty, but just empty empty. This is real life but our love is not real. I wish it was real. It used to be real.

He doesn't know my secrets anymore, nor do I know his. But I know his deep inner thoughts. They are not the same. The music that plays from my laptop makes me tear up. Can he hear it? I cry. cry. cry.

Be mine!. Please. please be mine! I start to kneel down on my bed and beg for him to see me, to love me, to sing to me. I feel this urge to dance. We danced once upon a time in my bedroom. In the middle of the room. Mom was sleeping, my brother was gone....but he was there with me. His thoughts were of me, his heart was for me, he was really really there, only for me. We danced.

I get up from my warm bed. I walk to the door, out the door, down the elevator, to the bus stop. I wait. .......

The bus comes, I walk on and sit in the back. I sit in the dirty, nasty, bacteria infested bus seat. But I don't notice the smell, I don't look back at the stares. I just think. Dance. The bus stops in front of the water front and I walk to the park bench where I have so many memories. I sit there and wait. I don't know what I am waiting for. But I am waiting for something.

He walks by. He doesn't look down at me nor do I look up at him.

I love you~I whisper
I love you~he whispers

Another million years of daydreaming and wishing to be together, another billion years to say those words again

I shiver. It is cold.

The jeans that she wore fell around her waste, pooling and heavy. the belt wrapped around twice, but still allowing the jeans to fall low on her hips.

she sat down on the bench, near the corner of her run down, darkly painted apartments. Music blared from various car radios, and dark men sat around bobbing their heads to the music. They stared at her. She slid down low on the bench, her feet barely touching the ground. She is small. But they do not approach her. Her head phones are big, engulfing her head, her hair hiding her face, her body hidden behind big clothes and dark shadows. But the sun is out.

One bus passes. Two.....five. One bus every fifteen minutes, add a minute, take a few. She's been sitting for a long time. The songs have changed, some have repeated....some cars have left. Dark men, baggy clothes....she sits on the bench.

She stares at their chests, she see's something, something no one else does. Some are darker than others, she watches the black ones. not the color of their skin but the color of something deeper, more meaningful, yet forgotten. She looks down at her hands, they are covered by the ends of her sleeves, her finger tips wiggle at the end. she wiggles....moves....snaps. They still work. She wished they didnt.

Flash over to the other end of the city. City of the roses. Not the beautiful red, blossoming roses, but the thorns, the red is from the blood that the thron pricked from ones fingers....that city of roses...dangerous roses. Kiss, love....fuck . right?

He stands under the bridge at the water front, spray can circling his feet. Purples, oranges, yellows and pinks. He holds awhite can in his pale hands. He sprays, swirls and sprays some more.

"Yo! What you sprayin man?" Another pale figure asks. He is silouhetted by the shade, the sun is lowering the cops are where the the girl sits and waits for the next bus. They do not bother with him, the one with the spray can.

"Paintin...." he says as he drops the can and fumbles through his back pack for another color

"Thats pretty damn bright. Those faces. They're...not..."
"white?" he finishes for the guy whose face is shaded over by the setting sun
"yeah....."
"I made it for her...."
"What..you made it for that N....I....G....."
"You got it twisted....your ignorant. Its new times...new loves.....new mixing"
The boy with the shaded face doesnt finish his sentence....the one with the spray can drops the can to the floor and picks up his bag and turns and walks away. Behind him is a mural of colors, musical notes, rainbows, and warmth. in the middle are many faces bluring into two. One face orange, the other blue, their lips touch but their eyes are open.

Flash to the bench where another seven buses have passed
It's dark out. Her music has stopped. She looks up and see's someone walking towards her. He is the darkest of them all....but he has the most palest skin....what is she staring at?

She cries inside her chest but fails to express even a smile as he walks past. She wiggles her fingers. Wiggle, Moves...snaps. They still work, but she lets him walk past....'

Another bus drives away.

Residence: Right corner of King sized bed Feelings: geeky Lullaby: None

>Rough Draft....<
He sat over in the corner near the dark side of the bar. He touched the rim of the icy glass with his fingertip. He stared at the melting ice cubes with a sad look. His lips were soft looking, but the rest of his face was shadowed by his hat that covered the white bandana that was wrapped tightly around his head. I stared at him.

Two shiny pairs of diamonds were nestled tightly into each ear, and a thin chain hung low around his neck. He was hot and I wanted him. He looked familiar but I couldn’t place where I had seen him before.

I slowly moved my hips to the music that played in the lounge. It was a high class lounge, a place that I had saved up for weeks to go to for just one night. I worked as a pre-school teacher and went to school full time which often equaled no money in my pocket. My parents had kicked me out of the house as soon as I turned 18 and I hadn’t had a very good childhood anyway. I wasn’t looking for anything in life nor did I look back at my past. I. Just. Was…living a life that was given to me twenty-one years earlier. I rarely complained about my life, nor did I fantasize about a life that I didn’t have. But he…he was something I started to fantasize about. I licked my lips and stared at him. I wondered who he was.

He lifted the glass to his lips and took a small sip. He glanced over at me and then looked away – he was bored with me…I turned my head and walked over to the bar

“Uhm…” I said as I stared at the bartender “yeah whatever just give me something sweet please”

The bartender looked at me and nodded.

Appletini – he handed me a damn appletini. What the hell was that suppose to do for me. I shrugged and sipped on it anyway.

A hand tapped my bare shoulder. I looked over into the eyes of the guy that had been sitting at the end of the bar.

“Oh hey” I said I felt a blush rise to my cheeks…but thank god with the mocha tint of my skin no one would have noticed.

“Hey you” he said as he sat onto the stool next to me “nice dress” he said

I laughed slightly and turned around to sip my drink. He was good looking but something about him was edgy and mysterious – as if he had a story to tell.

He carefully wrapped one arm around my waste as if hesitating to move closer to me but I didn’t resist. Something about him seemed spicy and dangerous yet soft. I turned back around to look into his eyes

“yes?” I asked. I felt like a child…he was a man and he held me in such a way that I felt safe. I shivered.

“You want to dance?” he asked

I laughed “yeah sure…I mean…” I turned and gulped the rest of my drink down “I …”

He laughed a strong deep laugh and helped lift me from my seat.

I shimmied my hips to help my dress slide back down my thighs. My legs were strong and slender, and my dress barely covered the bottom of my ass…the ass that I barely had anyway. The dress was a shiny gold, satin material but not really satin. I couldn’t afford the real thing. My hair was let down, curly and long. I had placed a small gold colored flower behind my ear to add a little color to the black abyss that was my hair. I was slender…no breasts no butt and not very curvy. But I loved my body, it was perfect for me…small and did not reach to be anything more than what it was.

He easily wrapped his arm around my waist and glided me to the dance floor. He placed both his hands on my hips and started to move with the music…with me…and together we started to move to the rhythm. He wasn’t a very good dancer but he was smooth enough…and confident enough to make it not matter.

He moved to the music. I slid my hands up and down his chest. His t-shirt was soft, I wondered if he washed his own clothes…then I wondered what fabric softener he used. I started to laugh.

He looked down at me. His lips curved into a small smile.

“Why ya laughin?” he asked. His voice was so easy to listen to. Soft. Beautiful…masculine.

“Mmm” I held back a giggle in my throat “Nothing…you smell good”  I whispered

He leaned into me and pulled me closer to his body “No…you smell good. Is that La-brie?” he asked

I slightly pulled away from him “Yeah, how’d you know?.”

He pulled me back so that he could rub his hand up and down my back “I just do”

He breathed into my ear “do you know who I am?” he asked

I shuttered with the feel of his breath against my ear. It smelled of azul tequila and some sort of fruity champagne.

“You look really familiar” I searched my mind “did we go to Southridge together?” I asked

He pulled away from me. His face was looked slightly shocked but then it was suddenly masked over with a mysterious grin and sparkling eyes. His eyes were the bluest blue…so blue……………………………………………………

“No” he grabbed my hand and lead me to a table in the darkened corners of the lounge. He waved at one of the cocktail waitresses and she winked back at him. I rubbed my hand over my arms feeling a bit more nervous than I did before.

“Then where do I know you from?” I asked wondering why he pulled us aside.

“You don’t know me…well that’s nice to know” He said as he pulled me down to sit next to him

 I stared at him. His eyes started to shade a darker blue as if he was thinking hard to himself. I was from a small city in Oregon called Portland. Not much happened up there and not many events happened there either. Though it is often labeled the cleanest city throughout the U.S…..but that was about it.

Sorry off topic..

The cocktail waitress walked back over to us. Her eyes lingered on him as she set down two mojitos…then she looked at me and shot me the meanest glare I had ever seen. The hair on the back of my neck stood up making me slip lower into the seat than I already was.

She walked away and I lifted my glass “Do you know her?” I asked

He turned to me. His eyes searched my face as if trying to remember who I was and why I was sitting next to him. Then he smiled and pulled me closer to him “No, but she knows me and doesn’t know you”

I sipped my drink faster – trying to figure out why he said that.

“Okay well then I have to get going…” I scooted myself out of the seat

He stared at me “Can I see you again?” he asked. His voice carried a tinge of urgency. I turned and looked at him. I had never met a guy at a bar before, and I never planned on giving this guy my number.

“Probably not…” I adjusted my dress against my tiny frame “I mean. I don’t know you and you seem really drunk. So if I ever see you again then maybe…”

He nodded his head. I turned and walked out of the lounge.

I walked out of the lounge and started to feel the two drinks surge through my body. My head felt light and my legs started to feel wobbly. I looked around for a place to sit before I could walk to my car. I lifted my arm to search my purse for keys but suddenly realized I had left my purse with that guy.

I suddenly felt sick and bent over to heave onto the side walk. I couldn’t just walk back into the club and ask him for my purse….I felt helpless

“You forgot this” a low voice said from behind me. It was him.

I reached my arm behind me without standing up. I couldn’t manage standing up at the moment…the world was swimming around and it seemed to be having an earthquake where I was the only one feeling it.

“Th…” Heave “aann” heave “THANKS!” I practically yelled trying to get it out before I dry heaved again.

My stomach was so badly twisted that there was no more room for the feeling of humiliation or embarrassment.

He wrapped his arm around my waste again, it felt right there. He lifted my body upright and stared into my eyes. Suddenly flash after flash started surrounded us. Cameras.

A whole bunch of cameras were floating around my head and flashing their bright lights straight into my eyes.

“Damnit” he said as he started to move me toward a very long car. No...long SUV. No….a really big SUV.

Someone opened the door and he helped me inside of the vehicle.

“I can take you home…” he said as he searched my face for something….I couldn’t figure out what he was looking for.

I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice.

I leaned my head against the cold window. His hand lay heavily on my lap. I hung onto his hand tightly trying to keep myself from heaving in his truck. I wondered what I got myself into, sitting in a strange mans car letting him take me home…wherever home was. I couldn’t think straight.

“Where you need to go?” he asked

“uhm…..”

Blankness. Black out…nothing….my mind went blank and the world around me became dark.

“She passed out” a deep voice said from the front of the truck

“I know” the guy said as he stared at me “I’ll just take her back to my place. You know…until she wakes up.”

“You sure that’s a good thing? She could be faking it…she probably knows who you are”

The guy grabbed my hand a little tighter “I don’t think she does. She’s something real”

The driver looked back at the guy through the rear view mirror and nodded without saying anything else.

The house was huge, white and perfect. But I didn’t see it until morning. The guy opened the door and carefully pulled me out so that he could lift me up

“She’s so damn small” he said to the driver

The driver laughed and shut the door for him.

“You going to be okay?” the driver asked

“Yeah, just open the door for me. Hailiei's at her moms…it will be okay”

The driver followed him up the steps to his house and opened the door “see you tomorrow”

He nodded at his driver and shut the door behind him. He walked me up the stairs and placed me on the bed. His bed.

“….”

He looked down at me “you say something?”

“..h…hey….” I whispered

He slipped my shoes off of me and then crawled over me to the other side of the bed. He lay next to me and stared.

“Let me know if you need the bathroom….” He said as he laid his head down on the satin pillows.

“….”

I laid in the bed feeling helpless yet safe. I wanted to talk but I wasn’t even sure if I was awake or dreaming or….dead. My mother would kill me if she knew I put myself in this situation….what if he’s a rapist!

My heart started to throb…and pound faster in my chest.

He looked over at me and touched my hand but I couldn’t move it away.

Hours passed………………………….

I opened my eyes to a dark room and the feel of soft sheets below me. I reached down and felt my dress still on and my panties in the right place. I wiped my eyes and stared glanced over at the chair that sat in the corner. There he sat, his head resting on the palm of his hand – asleep.

I sat up quickly, soon regretting that very movement and laid back down.

“Your up” his voice filled the quiet room

I looked over at him “yeah….” I slowly sat up this time “sorry. I mean. I’ll find my own way home.”

He lifted his head “its okay, my driver can take you home tomorrow. No harm done”

I felt stupid and pathetic. His voice was calm though, soothing. His voice sounded like someone from the east coast…no…closer…like someone from Detroit.

He stood up and walked towards the bed “You know. You’re the first girl in my bed in a long time…”

I stood up then and looked at him “Hey now. I mean thanks for everything but I should be going…”

He looked at me with those sad eyes again..,no not sad but something that wasn’t together.

I sat back down “sorry”

He looked at me and I suddenly wanted to crawl over to him and lay his head in my non-existent breasts

I did that….

I pulled him down to me on the bed…he hesitated for a second and then his body slowly fell to mine. His lips found mine before I could react but I didn’t pull away.

“Your beautiful” he said as he wrapped his arms around me

“….” I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Who are you…?” I asked as he pulled away from me.

“Marshall” he said as I stared into his eyes.

“Marshall……..” he said as he leaned in to kiss me again

I laid in his arms that night and dreamed…wondered where I had heard that name before.

……To Be Continued

Residence: Big Blue Chair Feelings: anxious Lullaby: Bone Thugz N Harmony